Dancing around my flat in in my underwear, I'm not sure how many other people do that but I'm sure that some, hopefully most people do? I cannot be the only one that gets momentarily distracted whilst getting dressed to the sounds of the radio, o.k it was to the sound of Britney!
so there I was getting in full swing of my dance (my amazing dance moves are just one reason what I never took my dancing career to the next stage or been taken seriously in a club)and then to my horror I see the peeping tom eyes of Doris - my lovely kind old lady neighbour! watching me through my letterbox.
Standing frozen to the spot out of embarrassment and humiliation....
1. Being in my skimpy underwear
2.My pathetic dancing attempt
3.The fact that she was watching - how long had she been there?
'Doris' I screamed when I finally conjured up the words to speak! 'I've made you a pie dear' she shouted back with her whole mouth through my letterbox.
The last pie she made for me was supposed to be some sort of beef things which i am sure was made from dog food it was the glint in her eye as she passed it to me and the words 'make sure you eat it all now'. The smell from that thing took over my whole flat - stale cooked dog food... delicious....Since that day I have told Doris that I am now a fully fledged Vegetarian which has put a stop to all her attempts to food poison me with rank meat, though now she feels it is her duty to tell me that I look ill, pale and skinny and 'just need a bit of meat'.
The cackle of her laugh haunts me when I am alone at night or because she is standing next to the wall laughing into it to terrify me which I would not be surprised as her one goal in life seems to be to just ruin mine, o.k maybe not ruin that's a but harsh though trying to food poison me is definitely in that category.So as I saying she had made me a 'pie' I wonder what succulent choices of centre she has chosen today? dead pigeon, dead rat, cat food? the list is endless....
Unbolting my doors (I know understand why the last owner had so many locks, shame you can't get one for a letterbox) she stood there looking all old and innocent like butter would n0t melt in her mouth - that sinister old woman...Her arms out stretched her smile so wide I could see every denture 'Blueberry pie dear' indeed this pie did smell good but that little thing in her eye that always glinted when she smiled made me think maybe I had got her wrong, maybe this pie was a piece offering?'There are no nuts in this are there? you know I'm allergic''I know dear that's why I made this for you a nut free blueberry pie'
Taking the pie from her hands and trying to the close the door but with her foot firmly wedged in the way 'have a bite' (she suddenly reminded me of the witch from snow white when she makes her eat the poisoned apple) taking a small piece of pie - the smallest piece I could find and placing it in my mouth, almost within that second the tingling on my lips, the closed up throat - panic shot across my face.
'Oh I think I might have put nuts in it actually' she said with a smile watching my whole face blow up, she pushed her way pass me into my kitchen and picked up my phone and dialled 999, unable to speak and complete in shock that her piece offering was purposely riddled with nuts, how could such a sweet looking old lady be so cruel?As the paramedics arrive and carry me off in a stretcher I look back up the stairs to see her standing there looking down at me smiling back and then she did it, the wink that said it all....