Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Aftermath...

Since the bonfire which i thought went well with all my fellow neighbours apart from my friend hitting on the old bloke from downstairs and his elderly wife attacking her with her handbag like a crazy old banshee but apart from that i thought it went well,
my neighbours got to see a different side of me, a sober side rather than the usual me clinging to the banister up the stairs in a drunken mess with sick stuck to my hair (i am shameful to admit) or the time when i thought i was a great idea to slide down them and fell straight on my arse!

Little known to me that Doris had told everyone that we were ‘life partners’ not that i have a problem with gay couple’s one of my best friends is gay and i have an uncle who also is gay and is travelling around las vegas as we speak in a show, but these people are from a different generation to ours and now i get weird looks from them all and their pity as ‘my girlfriend’ was hitting on old married men! I tried to help one of the other old ladies in my block up the stairs and she started to scream at me when i touched her! Doris really is at war with my now i think.....

So my weekend of weird looks and whispers on the stairs from all my neighbours ended for the day when i left for work on Monday morning, nursing my hangover and pretending that i cannot feel all the little men in my head with sledge hammers banging continuosly into my temple i set off and with the whispers of my secret lesbian love affair far behind me as i walked to the car.

Monday’s are always so alwful the realisation that you have got whole week to go before the weekend and i always imagine myself sitting at my desk on a Monday looking all grim and grey like something from an old black and white horror movie.

Arriving at work late as always and as the lift opens i see the familiar but not welcomed face of Rochelle.....

Friday, February 20, 2009

The Burning Of The Glad Rags......

It has been so long so since I last blogged! The past week has gone by in something of a blur!

I have since burned that suit just so I never have to wear it ever again, don't worry I was not going all feminist on you there although I do like to think of myself as a modern day feminist, but one of my downstairs neighbours was having a bonfire and the sight of the roaring flames destroying whatever it was they were trying setting alight, I took it upon myself with the aid of my friend to join them so with a bottle of wine (for sophistication) we popped downstairs suddenly just realised the ‘we popped downstairs’, we! When the hell did we become a we? Over the past few weeks I have noticed she is at mine quite a lot and now I am referring to us as a we! My god can it get any worse!

So there WE were me and my outrageously drunk buddy – you can always a tell a when someone has a problem with drink especially when they can pretend to be sober in front of strangers! So as I was saying there we were bottle of wine in hand all smiles with the grey suit knotted in a bag. Luckily for me I have very lovely neighbours who thought this was a great occasion to get to know us, watching my buddy propped up against the wall I suddenly realise that as each day goes by she is starting to not only remind me but actually beginning to resemble Patsy Stone (absolutely fabulous) as comical as this is to me I thought I would save that comment until she had at least one eye open so she could laugh until she wet herself and then pass out (her usual party trick) but then not have recollection of the next day!

As the night went on it was great, even Doris made an appearance though we barley spoke and she stood watching me from the corner with her little perfect sighted beedie eyes but thank god she did not come with food, As everyone began to throw stuff on the bonfire I realised it was now my one and only chance to get rid of that awful suit!

Ripping the bag open and suit in hand I swung my arm back so far and then let go for maximum leverage, it was at that exact moment when the suit was flying thru mid air and gravitating towards the fire the voice behind me ‘Isn’t that my suit?’, standing still and refusing to turn around my mind slowly begins to rewind back and then I remembered the night I had to carry her up my stairs with kebab-sick all over her – she had spent her cab money on a kebab so the only option was mine and she was in that suit!

Looking back at my confused friend and smiling so hard my cheeks hurt ‘No that’s not your suit, do you not remember that one from next? Got it in the sale?’, She stood swaying slightly from side to side just blankly looking at me for what felt like an eternity until she said the words ‘oh yeah’ and trampled off towards one of my geriatric neighbours.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Suits, Cigarettes and Coffee...

My arrival back at work with the mother of all accidental hangovers - my 'wonderful friend' had forced me into drinking games to pass my time off work her motto being that 'drinking until you pass out ensures a great nights sleep' - sleep being my only time to rest!
Staggering across my bedroom floor and falling flat on my face - she obviously thought that creating a bed for herself amongst my clothes would be a good option and the fact that my only pair of tights without a ladder where underneath her.
So despite waking up and nearly cracking my head open on my floor which in a weird way seemed to knock half of my hangover out, which is always a plus!
My attempts to get my tights from underneath this unconcious lush was going to be very difficult and she looked so peaceful her hair all back combed into some kind of dreadlock state, her black mascara smudged across her cheeks and the sweet smell of alcohol surrounded her like a blanket after staring at her for quite a while willing her in my mind to move I came to realise that she looked like a very pretty clown with her red lips all over the place!
After careful consideration and the fact that she wern't moving or even flinching even when I shouted 'FIRE' - I really had to re -think my outfit of I've had time off work I really was ill outfit!

I literally delved into my wardrobe and just threw on what probably is the most worst outfit I have ever worn in my whole entire life - probably not whole life as the hanious memories of my teenage years come flooding back in some alwful outfits as if my own memories were tauting me! but this one was defiently the worst in my adult life so far.
The mixture of trouser and shirt (I never wear anything like this and I actually have no recollection of even buying these clothes but I looked that bad that I will not even begin to describe it) it was as almost as though God was looking down on me and punishing me for something I had done.
So there I was my usual 5 minutes to get into work cigarette propped in my mouth and coffee in one hand and only just walking out of the car park,

Note to self and anybody is who is reading this:

1.Never run whilst smoking
2.Never run whilst holding Coffee
3.Never run whilst attempting to drink Coffee
4.And never run whilst trying to drink and smoke at the same time

So not only was I late again (I am actually bored of hearing the tutting of 'the boss's voice behind me when I try to sneak in unnoticed), but I had now spilt coffee all over my diguisting grey suit (I never thought I would ever have to write that sentance)but the ash from my cigarette had stuck to the wet Coffee stains my clever idea of wiping it with tissue made it worse and left me covered in tissue bits so not only was I late, I was covered in Coffee, Ash, Tissue and to top it all off I was wearing that oufit...

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Nut Cracker....

So over the past few days I have realised that maybe, just maybe I have been a little bit harsh on my Nan like neighbour Doris so yet again I am giving her the benefit of the doubt - I'm sure she didn't mean to put the equivalent of about to handfuls of nuts into that cake but she is old and I could blame her eye sight but we all know how perfect that is so I will just give her the benefit of the doubt one last time.
Whilst propped up in my hospital bed with a ridiculously swollen face and feeling like a child again as the nurse told me off - yes told me off! apparently someone who knows they are very allergic to nuts should never consume the amount that I had, my attempts to defend myself fell on deaf ears literally as she had a hearing aid but I realised that every cloud does have a silver lining and although I was in hospital and looking like a cross between the elephant man and Jocelyn Wildenstein, But at least I could now legitimately give myself a few sick days off and in all honesty the swelling has gone a bit today but I feel an extra day or two away from that hell hole that is my work would not go a miss.
Luckily for me I have a wonderful friend who insisted on collecting me from the hospital even though she was drunk 'tipsy' was the phrase she used but she was drunk and she stood there at my bed for about 10 minutes wetting herself laughing at my poor swollen face and pointing me out to everyone that walked past - How very lucky I am!Her pitiful attempts to 'look after me' when we finally got home after the worst mini cab driver in London picked us up - I thought all cab drivers had to know their roads apparently not for this company he didn't even know how to use his Sat Nav! and was relying on a drugged up me (all medical of course) who looked like I had just major surgery on my face because it was so ballooned out and a drunk that didn't even know what day it was.
That journey has now cemented my decision to never use a mini cab and stick with the black taxis! After she consumed most of the alcohol from my cabinet and passed out on the toilet I saw myself to bed avoiding all mirrors and reflective surfaces.
Thankfully this morning my German boss was very understanding which I know was all fake and I am sure as soon as that phone hit the receiver she was slagging me off to the entire office - mainly because she does this to everyone but probably more to fact that she is crap at her job and it is me who corrects all her mistakes but if I am not there who will correct them and who will she blame when it goes it wrong!?!
This brings me great joy to imagine her sitting there actually trying to 'work' but in reality I am sure that she will leave it all until I get back with a lovely pile of papers littering my desk just to highlight my absence!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Peeping Tom

Dancing around my flat in in my underwear, I'm not sure how many other people do that but I'm sure that some, hopefully most people do? I cannot be the only one that gets momentarily distracted whilst getting dressed to the sounds of the radio, o.k it was to the sound of Britney!
so there I was getting in full swing of my dance (my amazing dance moves are just one reason what I never took my dancing career to the next stage or been taken seriously in a club)and then to my horror I see the peeping tom eyes of Doris - my lovely kind old lady neighbour! watching me through my letterbox.
Standing frozen to the spot out of embarrassment and humiliation....

1. Being in my skimpy underwear
2.My pathetic dancing attempt
3.The fact that she was watching - how long had she been there?

'Doris' I screamed when I finally conjured up the words to speak! 'I've made you a pie dear' she shouted back with her whole mouth through my letterbox.
The last pie she made for me was supposed to be some sort of beef things which i am sure was made from dog food it was the glint in her eye as she passed it to me and the words 'make sure you eat it all now'. The smell from that thing took over my whole flat - stale cooked dog food... delicious....Since that day I have told Doris that I am now a fully fledged Vegetarian which has put a stop to all her attempts to food poison me with rank meat, though now she feels it is her duty to tell me that I look ill, pale and skinny and 'just need a bit of meat'.

The cackle of her laugh haunts me when I am alone at night or because she is standing next to the wall laughing into it to terrify me which I would not be surprised as her one goal in life seems to be to just ruin mine, o.k maybe not ruin that's a but harsh though trying to food poison me is definitely in that category.So as I saying she had made me a 'pie' I wonder what succulent choices of centre she has chosen today? dead pigeon, dead rat, cat food? the list is endless....

Unbolting my doors (I know understand why the last owner had so many locks, shame you can't get one for a letterbox) she stood there looking all old and innocent like butter would n0t melt in her mouth - that sinister old woman...Her arms out stretched her smile so wide I could see every denture 'Blueberry pie dear' indeed this pie did smell good but that little thing in her eye that always glinted when she smiled made me think maybe I had got her wrong, maybe this pie was a piece offering?'There are no nuts in this are there? you know I'm allergic''I know dear that's why I made this for you a nut free blueberry pie'

Taking the pie from her hands and trying to the close the door but with her foot firmly wedged in the way 'have a bite' (she suddenly reminded me of the witch from snow white when she makes her eat the poisoned apple) taking a small piece of pie - the smallest piece I could find and placing it in my mouth, almost within that second the tingling on my lips, the closed up throat - panic shot across my face.

'Oh I think I might have put nuts in it actually' she said with a smile watching my whole face blow up, she pushed her way pass me into my kitchen and picked up my phone and dialled 999, unable to speak and complete in shock that her piece offering was purposely riddled with nuts, how could such a sweet looking old lady be so cruel?As the paramedics arrive and carry me off in a stretcher I look back up the stairs to see her standing there looking down at me smiling back and then she did it, the wink that said it all....

Friday, February 6, 2009

The Ex And the Wilder beast...

So there I was sitting ON MY OWN in the pub! full of melodrama and melancholy, If It had been a sunny day I don't think it would have been so bad, but it wasn't - the clouds had opened up and were chucking it down the sky was grey and the atmosphere was grim.
Sitting across from me was a mixture of Hagrid V Frank from Shamless and to top it off he was giving me the eye, well I think it was 'the eye' either that or he had something seriously wrong with his eye which is a possibly due to the fact that I could smell him from my seat and the thought of him coming any closer and breathing what I only can imagine as month long stale breath the more I write this the more he seems to be morphing into Fagin in my mind but at least that gives you a good idea of what my only prospect of a date was! Is this really the only type of man i can attract?
Earlier that day I had been going about my business with not a care in the world until I was stopped right in my tracks by dun dun dun...........THE EX, Yes the ex not only the ex but with his gorgeous new girlfriend - the new girlfriend that I had been dumped for! he claims not but I have my sources.
The sight of them waving at me from about 5 foot away turned my stomach as well as turning my face the same colour as my lovely new red dress from Topshop. Luckily for me I am famous for my terrible eye sight - at times like that I am thankful for this disability that God and my parents have bestowed upon me.
Pretending I had not seen them and taking the first turning I could find which led me straight into the dullest old man pub probably in the whole radius of London and that is how I came to find myself sitting opposite the unsightly wilder beast across the table.Drowning my sorrows and downing my vodka not actually for the reason you might think more just for myself and the fact that I am stuck in a dead end j0b whilst the ex struts along all happy with a good job and an actual good looking girlfriend.
Feeling his creepy eyes burning holes into my head I begin to contemplate my exit route but considering as there only seems to be 2 doors and one is the toilet that narrows my choices down. So there was he and there was me, still trying to avoid his crazy insane gaze I slowly grab my bag and make a quick exit without looking back the image of a man chasing me down the road until im stopped by the sound of heavy feet and heavy breathing and that hairy hand on my shoulder. Shaking that image out of my head and thinking where did it all go wrong???
I had dreams, aspirations even and now I work for a telesales company.................

The Boss

My lateness for work is beginning to get noticed, so far I have managed to sneak in without my hitler boss noticing for about 3 months now - which is pretty amazing as I have only been here for 3 months and with my past jobs they always took me aside after about 2 weeks.
So there I was out of breath and reeking of smoke attempting to pretend I had been here since 9 when she marches out of her little office and announces the new regime, staring directly at me 'we have a new system - clocking in and out cards as it has come to my attention that certain employees are arriving late and leaving early' turning on her hideous doc martins (I think there doc martins though personally I have seen many a nice pairs of them over the years but those look like they have come straight from the army barracks).How dare she stare at me for the duration of that little power speech! just because some of us have a life and do not live and breath that stupid office, it's telecommunications for god sake not MI5.
Finally logging into my facebook after what seemed like an eternity of a power speech from 'The boss' I am now free to moan about her and this crap job to everyone without any chance of her hearing me ( I learnt that after I realised that yes she can some how listen in on your phone calls and that is probably where this war of hate towards me began) that is until I feel a cold hand on my shoulder - o.k her hand probably wasn't that cold but you get more of the effect of her unhumaness with that, But there she was suddenly appearing behind me out of nowhere - normally you hear when someone is walking up behind you especially with the weight of them boots she had on her feet.'Err that is not work is it' she said with her stale coffee breath into my face being able to read everything I had just wrote about her.
Frantically clicking the X button like there was no tomorrow and with the computer not responding and frozen on my facebook page,panic sets in as this is giving her more time to read everything, swinging my chair round to face her 'I'm planning on going to Germany which is the best place to holiday in?' Aaha i have won and completely thrown her off track, she is now happily smiling whist her mind reminisces back to her home country, 'I have some pictures in my office you must come and see them at lunch' and with that she marched of happy!
As this god awful day went on I went and took sanctuary on the fire escape with Laura from accounts, the pair of us sitting and smoking luckily my quick thinking had put me back in her good books and off her hate list well at least for today!
What makes my boss interesting is the fact that when I started at this mind numbingly boring job my boss gave me the impression that she was one of those shy timid women and I liked her, I see know that it was all fake!!!
She wanted me to like her, to tell her stuff that she could then use against me but luckily for me I am no Bimbo and I was on to her - it may have taken me a month to suss her out but I did!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

My New Home....

To everyone who was following me on my last blog thank you for following me to this one!
In my attempt to do a 'cool' background I somehow runined my page and could not change it! I really should have paid attention during my I.T lessons at school - its amazing how actually passed! but I have learnt my lesson with my tweaking!!!
To all you new people thank you for looking!
I will be posting my previous posts so enjoy.....

Just Another Monday Morning

Late again for work and as I catch my own reflection in my bedroom mirror I almost scream at the sight of my panda eyes and hair which has an uncanny resemblence to Russell Brand 's on a bad day and so my straightener hunt begins.....
My Vodka induced self last night some how managed to turn my beautiful bedrooom into a bomb site in a matter of minutes in my attempt to find my bed, which in all honesty hadn't moved anywhere it stood where it always had but in my drunken mess I thought we were playing a game of hide and seek, He hid I destroyed the whole contents of my room on a utterly pointless seeking session. Not sure why I just refered my bed to he as i am she and it is a very feminine bed? maybe I want it to be a he, maybe I want to be he, 'What the hell I am thinking'!.
Stubbing my cigarette out in what I hope is an ashtray - without my glasses I am blind - I really am , everybody always thinks that as a joke or an over the top exagerration but I really am for example my 86 year old lady neighbour has much better eye sight than me, she often calls me out from shouting through my letterbox luring me into a false sense of security and making me think she needs help with something but in reality she wants me out of my flat for her own entertainment and ego stroking!We often play the game 'Is that the postman coming?' which I have now learnt is just for her to stand there and be amused by my squinting and for her to say 'ooo isn't your eye sight bad, you know I saw him from right the way down there - you really should go to specsaver's dear they can help you'.
Enough of Doris and her cruel O.A.P bullying I have a job to get to and I am almost certain that I will yet again be late much to the delight of my German boss I am sure.