Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Comeback Queen

It has been sometime since my last blog:
1 break – up, 1 dodgy haircut, 1 mini - breakdown and 1 trip round Thailand to 'find myself' and here I am!!!

None the wiser in who I am - apart from the fact that I am fully aware that my hair reflects off the moon at nigh - you can see me a mile off!
All because of the luminous ginger mullet attached to my head!
I have nothing against gingers (Nicola Roberts from girls aloud is gorgeous) just to clarify I am not a gingeriest or anything like that. I once dated a ginger not that there any different from us (not that we are a collective we and gingers are not a part) just that I love gingers but not when you pay £120 for a new hairdo!!

It was sometime in June and the summer was just kicking off. I’d been living in some kind of parallel universe for the past few months with the bag man. Everything was going so well, the crazy Stalker had been fired and I actually had nothing to do with it, she was caught in an uncompromising position with brooms in the cleaner’s cupboard and my German boss. I always knew she was that way inclined ever since I saw those boots she called shoes. When a woman says shoes - dainty and feminine fill my mind not steel toe capped doctor martins! And yes this is with a suit.....

As I was saying the stalker was out of my life, Doris was still Doris but she didn’t seem to bother me as much anymore as watching her advances on bag man was entertainment enough for me. Life just seemed so perfect....

My vodka induced sleep where I would usually wake up and hour late for work with some kind of kebab stuck to my face or carrot in my hair looking like mix of Russell Brand + Amy Winehouse + Noel Fielding after a 12 day crack binge was well and truly over!!!
Surprisingly I hadn’t even noticed this happening but I shed no tear over this, as I distinctly remember this thought, as the moment I realised I was an adult! No longer a tax dodging drunk student trying to avoid reality for just a little bit longer!

With the biggest smile on my face and having a few minutes of a Disney moment -
There I am prancing around my front room with all the little birds and woodland animals all coming and helping me get dressed and signing with me!! Sleeping beauty? No, Snow white? No, Cinderella? It’s one of them!!
So you see life really was fantastic!

And then I checked my Facebook

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

As it has been so long, I feel that i should explain my whereabouts to you all....
A few weeks ago i was enjoying a rather rain free day and enjoying the sun, lazing around in the sun having a few drinks in the pub garden when a rather delicious man caught my eye!
There i was all sweaty with the stench of Alcohol pouring out of my pores - feeeling something on my foot which i now know was a bee, i bent down to investigate and as i did i had my eye poked out by a mans man bag!! the cheek of it!!
Though lucky for me in return i got a drink well i got 5 and and few shots thrown in, in retrun for me bright red contact-less bloodshot eye!
So you the see the past few weeks i have been busy with the man bag man, luckily for me my luch of friend has given me her approval and even Doris commented on the sexy musicaular man carrying my shopping for me up the stairs - i think i will have to watch her - she has been doing her strange twitchy eye everytime she see's him and she really has been spying!
I caught her watching us through her favourite spot MY LETTERBOX amongst other places behind trees and so on, im sure she has hatched some kind of evil plan, she has been being to nice to me and when she is nice she is very very nice but i know she is really pretty evil indisguise.....

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Toilet Issues....

This week has been eventful!
Standing lacquering my lashes in the work toilet, not good when you have no cotton buds to wipe the black zebra lines above your eyes, but my eyes were look bare and tired so they were in desperate need of a lift.

I think going out to that coyote still bar may not have been my best idea, my last hazy memory is downing a line of tequila shots before being launched on top of that bar and dancing around like a La's Vegas show girl- In reality i know that i probably looked more like Amy winehouse in the clutches of downfall rather than a glamourous showgirl.
But any who waking up this morning with a kebab stuck to my face and having to quietly step over the few random scattered people laying across the floor in my flat - still not sure where they came from....

So there I am standing as close the mirror as possible that my boobs are actually resting on it, as yet again i forgot to put my contact lenses in, well i didn't forget - i put one in and then couldn't find the other so i just gave up after walking wonky with one eye open down my stairs.
So back to the toilets and my failed attempt to look alive and attractive, i was just casually minding my own business when SHE walked in.....
Just strolled on in, no words, no look, no smile just plain walking into the toilets. At the moment something hit me, some kind of light bulb turning on over my head or maybe a nudge from God himself but something clicked!

Kicking open the door all charlies angel style, OK it was more of a knock first then i pushed it because it wasn't locked, but there she was sitting on the loo - knickers round her ankles and bam! 'What the hell are you playing at Rochelle?' her face looked so innocent and i felt so harsh but being strong and mentally recalling all the crap she had pulled in the past, 'Well Rochell? turning up here at my work, pretending you ain't got a clue who i am, your a psycho, do you know that'!

I felt so brave and courageous almost like boudica, and then her face changed and her mouth started to move 'Look here, i do not what you are talking about, you have the wrong girl', and then she just kicked the door with her foot and carried on her wee.
Standing back in shock and wishing that someone else was there so i did not look so crazy looking around the room in confusion and waving my arms around....
Watching her wash hands and still in utter disbelief, i watch her step towards the door and as she turns to close the door 'You still with that bloke of yours?, I've had better anyway'
What a cheek!!!! but that was my proof that i am not going insane and that she really is the insane one here!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Watching From The Copier......

I have literally been keeping my head down and watching my back this week- my attempt has been successful so far, she really is playing a strange game.
She is still keeping up with the lets play pretend game and the other day I actually started to question my sanity!
Actually question myself!
What is the world coming to?
What is my mind coming to?

I started to think that maybe it wasn't the same Rochelle with terrible long UN styled hair or her awful man like body or even her atrocious dress sense, so i started to watch her from the photocopier last week whilst she was getting a drink of water, o.k i have been doing this quite a few times over the last week and now it looks like i fancy her or something, but it is definitely her, there is no mistaking unless she has an identical twin sister.

We have shared a few awkward glances but no conversations. I spoke to my German boss lady last week again about the situation but she just laughs and now she wants me to tell her a new funny story every lunch time! Apparently they really brighten up her day!

I have tried to approach her with caution but it always feels like some thing from a film, as i walk towards her with all the courage i had given myself whilst having a ciggies 5 Min's before Tim from accountants then emerges from nowhere with a pile of papers in his arms and barges past me and stands in between us – it is like every time i go to talk to her something or someone is literally standing in my way.

I know i should be quite worried at the arrival of Rochelle she is like my demon shadow that i can never escape always there right behind, but there is something child like in her eyes almost naive or pathetic, she is such an odd character but i know it is all a front, i know there is a more sinister side to this one! Somehow not one person in my whole office believes anything that i say now or takes me seriously, its like without saying a word she has twisted this whole situation round and i am the odd one not her!

God Damn that girl is smart! i don't know how she does it but I'm gona crack her before she cracks into my house! (not literally, i don't want to spend the rest of my days locked behind bars but my new mission not the cutting down on drinking or giving up cigs becausethat one really didn't get very far but the new one that will work is find out what she is up too before she destroys another chapter of my life!!
Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My week has been so hectic!!!! I just seemed to be permenantly gravitating towards work! I don’t know what has been going on, i feel like i have forgotten my real self and my work hating ways!

So this week, let me up date you –I came into work to find Rochelle there, Sitting actually at my desk, Rochelle is no friend nor enemy she literally is my stalker.....

You may think i am joking but i will now explain how i have come to this conclusion and you can let me know if i am thinking logically and she really is a stalker or if it is all in my mind and that misspent youth of expereimenting with drugs has come back to haunt me.

I met Rochelle over a year ago in a different job, 2 jobs ago in fact, she was just a little part timer and although very manly looking she was a young girl so sweet and niave – how wrong was i! It started with the same colour nail varnish then progressed to wearing the same clothes, then styling her hair like mine, then dying it to be the same shade. At this point alarm bells were ringing but i just thried to put it down to flattery.

Then she begun to call me all the time (i never gave her my number) and then she would drop by my house ( i never told her where i lived), After months of this mind crazy games she was playing with me i moved flats, changed my number and got a new job to escape her, all was well then she turned up at my last job only that time she pretended like she had never met me?? What the hell is wrong with this girl??

After a month or so she somehow became friends with my then boyfriend and attempted to steal him from me, the fact that she was only a tender age of 18 was entertaining and as said she is very masculine and around 6 foot with terrible uncut long hair kinda like a 6 year olds who refuses to get their hair cut for years and sucks on the ends. Her attempt was not very successful and i did comtemplate calling someone from a Springfield Hospital as i had found her in my bed, in my clothes waiting for him.... We did laugh after the intial shock which lasted a few weeks still unsure how she got into the flat?

So as you see this girl seems to appear everywhere and now she is sitting at my desk –stupid German Boss has assigned me to show her the ropes! I did try to explain the situation but all she did was laugh and say what an amusing story that was , it seems that no one takes me seriously. If i do not write for a while then you all know that she has taken over my life and i have been shipped off to Russia or somewhere as her as she frolicks around pretending to be me...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Aftermath...

Since the bonfire which i thought went well with all my fellow neighbours apart from my friend hitting on the old bloke from downstairs and his elderly wife attacking her with her handbag like a crazy old banshee but apart from that i thought it went well,
my neighbours got to see a different side of me, a sober side rather than the usual me clinging to the banister up the stairs in a drunken mess with sick stuck to my hair (i am shameful to admit) or the time when i thought i was a great idea to slide down them and fell straight on my arse!

Little known to me that Doris had told everyone that we were ‘life partners’ not that i have a problem with gay couple’s one of my best friends is gay and i have an uncle who also is gay and is travelling around las vegas as we speak in a show, but these people are from a different generation to ours and now i get weird looks from them all and their pity as ‘my girlfriend’ was hitting on old married men! I tried to help one of the other old ladies in my block up the stairs and she started to scream at me when i touched her! Doris really is at war with my now i think.....

So my weekend of weird looks and whispers on the stairs from all my neighbours ended for the day when i left for work on Monday morning, nursing my hangover and pretending that i cannot feel all the little men in my head with sledge hammers banging continuosly into my temple i set off and with the whispers of my secret lesbian love affair far behind me as i walked to the car.

Monday’s are always so alwful the realisation that you have got whole week to go before the weekend and i always imagine myself sitting at my desk on a Monday looking all grim and grey like something from an old black and white horror movie.

Arriving at work late as always and as the lift opens i see the familiar but not welcomed face of Rochelle.....

Friday, February 20, 2009

The Burning Of The Glad Rags......

It has been so long so since I last blogged! The past week has gone by in something of a blur!

I have since burned that suit just so I never have to wear it ever again, don't worry I was not going all feminist on you there although I do like to think of myself as a modern day feminist, but one of my downstairs neighbours was having a bonfire and the sight of the roaring flames destroying whatever it was they were trying setting alight, I took it upon myself with the aid of my friend to join them so with a bottle of wine (for sophistication) we popped downstairs suddenly just realised the ‘we popped downstairs’, we! When the hell did we become a we? Over the past few weeks I have noticed she is at mine quite a lot and now I am referring to us as a we! My god can it get any worse!

So there WE were me and my outrageously drunk buddy – you can always a tell a when someone has a problem with drink especially when they can pretend to be sober in front of strangers! So as I was saying there we were bottle of wine in hand all smiles with the grey suit knotted in a bag. Luckily for me I have very lovely neighbours who thought this was a great occasion to get to know us, watching my buddy propped up against the wall I suddenly realise that as each day goes by she is starting to not only remind me but actually beginning to resemble Patsy Stone (absolutely fabulous) as comical as this is to me I thought I would save that comment until she had at least one eye open so she could laugh until she wet herself and then pass out (her usual party trick) but then not have recollection of the next day!

As the night went on it was great, even Doris made an appearance though we barley spoke and she stood watching me from the corner with her little perfect sighted beedie eyes but thank god she did not come with food, As everyone began to throw stuff on the bonfire I realised it was now my one and only chance to get rid of that awful suit!

Ripping the bag open and suit in hand I swung my arm back so far and then let go for maximum leverage, it was at that exact moment when the suit was flying thru mid air and gravitating towards the fire the voice behind me ‘Isn’t that my suit?’, standing still and refusing to turn around my mind slowly begins to rewind back and then I remembered the night I had to carry her up my stairs with kebab-sick all over her – she had spent her cab money on a kebab so the only option was mine and she was in that suit!

Looking back at my confused friend and smiling so hard my cheeks hurt ‘No that’s not your suit, do you not remember that one from next? Got it in the sale?’, She stood swaying slightly from side to side just blankly looking at me for what felt like an eternity until she said the words ‘oh yeah’ and trampled off towards one of my geriatric neighbours.